399. “Your communication is broken. Here’s how to fix it.” | The Pause Principle with Cynthia Kane

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Cynthia Kane:
You can change the way that you communicate. I think that most of the time, we don't think it's possible and it really is a learned practice. So, it is something that you can shift and change and start learning new practices to start interacting in a way that feels really, really good to you.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Hello and welcome to the Daily Helping with Dr. Richard Shuster. Food for the brain, knowledge from the experts, tools to win at life. I'm your host, Dr. Richard. Whoever you are, wherever you're from, and whatever you do, this is the show that is going to help you become the best version of yourself. Each episode, you will hear from some of the most amazing, talented, and successful people on the planet who followed their passions and strive to help others. Join our movement to get a million people each day to commit acts of kindness for others. Together, we're going to make the world a better place. Are you ready? Because it's time for your Daily Helping. 

Thanks for tuning into this episode of the Daily Helping Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Richard. And I am so excited about our guest today. Her name is Cynthia Kane, and she helps people enhance their lives and relationships by teaching them how to become less reactive in difficult conversations and speak to themselves, others, and their environments in a kind, honest, and helpful way. 

She has taught over 70,000 people how to change the way they communicate through her best-selling books, such as How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist, How to Meditate like a Buddhist. I'm sensing a theme there, Cynthia.

Cynthia Kane:
There is a theme.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
And her best-selling daily OM course, How to Communicate Like a Buddhist. She is a certified meditation and mindfulness instructor, certified breathing coach, and the founder of the Kane Intentional Communication Institute. She's here today to talk to us about her latest book, The Pause Principle: How to Keep Yourself Cool in Tough Situations, which is available everywhere. Cynthia Kane, welcome to The Daily Helping. It is awesome to have you with us today.

Cynthia Kane:
Oh, it's so wonderful to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
You're very welcome. So, I have a feeling we're going to talk about Buddhism at some point today, but I don't want to presume you popped out of the womb as a Buddhist. I'm guessing you didn't.

Cynthia Kane:
Did not.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
So, what I like to do is find out people's superhero origin story, what put you on the path you're on today. So, let's jump into Cynthia Kane's Time Machine and tell us how your journey began.

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah. So, I was very passive aggressive, very judgmental. I loved slamming doors, and shutting down and walking away. Confrontation was not my friend at all. I was very much the person who wanted to not ruffle the feathers, keep the peace. And I didn't realize at the time that that was affecting my relationships or affecting just my happiness in general.

And then, I lost my first love very unexpectedly. He passed away. And it threw my whole world into disarray, really. I was completely blank, and I was trying to figure out how to enjoy the world again. And so, I started reading all the books, taking courses, going to retreats, and I was noticing that communication was a big part of feeling better, but I couldn't figure out, actually, what that looked like. 

And a friend of mine introduced me to a writing and meditation workshop at the Shambhala Institute when I lived in New York. And that's where I learned meditation and that's where I learned the elements of right speech in Buddhism, which are to tell the truth, don't exaggerate, use helpful language, and don't gossip. And I thought to myself, "Oh, my gosh. This is it." Like, this is my way out of the suffering that I was going through, the discomfort. 

And then, I was trying to understand how to actually implement it in the real world. So, how do you speak in a kind, honest, and helpful way? And so, that really became my daily practice, my experiment to figure this out. And what I noticed was how my capacity for discomfort was expanding. And I was starting to change the way that I was talking to myself, to others, and in difficult conversations, they were no longer a place where I felt a lot of fear or I was very reactionary. I was really able to be present, feel the emotion, move the emotion, and stay in the conversation longer. 

And so, this is really how it all kind of came to be. Then, I started writing about it, and doing courses and seeing that it wasn't only my world that was changing but other people's lives were changing too. And then, the books came, training programs, one-to-one, all the things. So-

Dr. Richard Shuster:
All the things. So, what were you doing professionally before you started your breathing coaching, and mindfulness training, everything else?

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah, so I was a book editor.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Okay.

Cynthia Kane:
And so, I was a development editor for book publishing companies, and I helped people develop their books. 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
So communication has always been something that's kind of prominent in what you do. 

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
But you started finding ways to do it in a very different way. Now, you're a prolific writer. You've written a ton of books on how to apply Buddhism to your life. You mentioned those rules, which I had not heard before. So, before we dive into the Pause Principle, if somebody is tuning into this and they don't know the first thing about Buddhism, give us the Cynthia Kane Buddhism 101, so it's gonna set the table for all of us. 

Cynthia Kane:
My 101.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Yeah.

Cynthia Kane:
Okay. Well, so Buddhism really, for me, is a practice. It's more of a philosophy. And the pieces of Buddhism that I think are really important are the Four Noble Truths, which is that suffering exists, that we suffer because we are attached to our desires. And the third is that suffering can end. And then, the fourth is the noble path, like the eightfold path. And those are practices, mindfulness practices, that help you expand your capacity for discomfort. It helps you change your relationship to suffering. So, it changes your relationship to your thoughts. It changes how you relate to yourself, others, and the world around you. 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
It's a very-

Cynthia Kane:
It's not optimal.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
You know, it's very existential, right? And in a way, it's… and again, I'm not a Buddhist, but I'm summarizing what you said. It's kind of like, instead of something happening to you, it's more like something happening through you, kind of in a way, right? Did I do a good job there with that?

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Okay. So, if that's the case and we know that suffering exists, but a lot of our suffering is tied to our own beliefs and held expectations that the suffering is tied to, that we can let go of that suffering. And by walking, these noble paths, these particular activities. Okay, podcast over, everybody go home, you got it. No. 

So, you've written these books on communicating, you've written these books on meditating. Why The Pause Principle? Why did you write that book? Because it feels like that probably, to some degree, was already addressed.

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah. So, The Pause Principle is a piece of communication, right? So, The Pause Principle is different from the past books. The How to Communicate Like a Buddhist is really focused on, how do we express ourselves in a kind, honest, and helpful way? Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist is, how do we talk to ourselves in a way that is more objective. And How to Meditate Like a Buddhist, meditation and communication, for me, they have a wonderful relationship. I really believe that meditation is the formal practice of being able to communicate in a kind, honest, and helpful way. 

And The Pause Principle is the moment before we speak, the moment before we actually can speak in a kind, honest, and helpful way. So, most of the time, with communication, we focus on speaking or listening, and most things are in, kind of, isolation. But rarely do we look at where I believe communication begins, which is in the space between the stimulus and the response. And if we can kind of master that space, create that pause between what someone says and how we react, in that pause, we're able to find the calm, we're able to be able to see clearly, see the person in front of us as someone we want to talk to in a kind, honest and helpful way, and then choose that path. So, The Pause Principle  is really taking this really small moment that happens before we actually open our mouth. 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
And it's a crucial moment. This is actually-

Cynthia Kane:
Definitely so, yeah.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Yeah. There's anger management coursework I've seen that actually is based on some of this stuff. So, I suspect as you're preparing to write this book, you did some research about that inflection point when people tend to say things they later regret. I'm curious if there was anything interesting research-wise that as you were putting this book together, you found that maybe you didn't expect to discover?

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah. Well, I mean, a lot of the research that was really surprising to me was when I looked at it through the lens of within the workplace in terms of reactivity and just seeing that the percentage of managers who aren't having difficult conversations and putting them off for a month to a year, because of the fear of reactivity, and just the high percentage right now of those in leadership positions who are reacting in ways that can really just create a lot of… what's the right word? It's more the way that people are reacting in this space right now, it's creating a ripple effect that is creating less trust, less loyalty, less connection. 

And I think that for me, that was what was most surprising. But it's also when I work with people, I can see very clearly how this moment isn't something that we ever pay attention to. It's very instinctive the way that we react. And so, our attention is really on our language, it's not on our body at all. And that's really where communication begins 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Curious to get your take on this because I think, observationally, when something becomes part of the zeitgeist and it becomes normalized in our society, then it's almost like we have the okay to do it. Like one of the things as an example of this that came to mind as you were talking was road rage, which became a thing in the late '90s. You started seeing news stories about road rage. They gave a term to it, right? They coined it. And all of a sudden, now, there was road rage everywhere. 

And more recently, I think of the term triggering, right? You see the word triggering everywhere. And so, by saying, "Oh, this triggers me, this triggers me, this triggers me," it's basically giving permission. It's almost excusing the behavior. It's saying, "Hey, look, if you say something that I don't agree with, that's going to trigger me, therefore, I'm not responsible for my actions."  

And I think there's a lot of things that go into that, which will take us way too far off topic to be relevant. But I think The Pause Principle is coming at a very good time because, unquestionably, we are a society very divided; we have people that are angry, perpetually angry; people that have been perpetually in a fear state really since COVID that I don't think have ever come out of this fear state. 

So, with that as our backdrop, our context, knowing that this is a society that really needs your book, Cynthia, talk us through how we start being able to have these tough situations where we don't fly off the handle but, rather, we can deploy The Pause Principle. We can stop.

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah. So, I think what is wonderful is when we start to bring awareness to, actually, what is happening in the interaction itself. So, if  someone says something, and then automatically our body is reacting to that. So, there's a sensation that's happening in the body during that moment that we don't pay attention to. And so, it's beginning with understanding what's happening within me in that moment. So, where is there discomfort? Maybe I feel a little nauseous in my stomach. Maybe my jaw gets tight. Maybe I can just feel, like, really constricted in the chest. 

And so, we start to pay attention to the sensation in the body first, because that's going to let us know, this is uncomfortable, something is making me feel like I'm under attack or I'm being threatened. Because what's happening is that in these difficult interactions, we move into the sympathetic nervous system very quickly. We go to fight, fight, freeze, and that becomes the passive aggressive, the lashing out, the dodging, the over explaining all of it. That's our protective gear.

So, our work is, okay, so how then do I move myself in this difficult moment, out of my sympathetic nervous system, into more of the parasympathetic, the rest and digest, so that I can regain that clarity? So, the first is, first, you notice the sensation in the body, the discomfort. Then, it's a practice that I call SOFTEN. So, first is the sensation. Then, after that, you own your own suffering. 

So, you start using mindfulness practices to turn towards yourself in that moment. Because often, we're looking for the other person to validate us in those difficult scenarios. For the other person to be like, "Oh, I understand what you're saying," or "I hear what you're saying." And most of the time we don't receive that. So, in those moments, it's for us to turn towards ourselves and give ourselves that validation. 

So, practices that you can do to just start to own your own discomfort are even just like rubbing the ear, massaging the ear canal, rubbing the chest, like, in circles. Because you're in a difficult conversation, so you're not going to suddenly stop, close your eyes and begin to meditate or do something that would draw attention. 

Another way is you can put your arm to your shoulder or your hand to your shoulder and bring it down to your elbow. Basically, what you're doing is you're letting your body know that it's okay and that you're seeing that it's uncomfortable. You're seeing the discomfort. So, that's one practice. 

Then, there's the F in SOFTEN, and that's focus on the present moment. So, those practices can look like, first you feel the sensation, that discomfort in the body, and then you bring your attention to the present moment. So often, we get really distracted in hard conversations by the language of the other person and we start fighting with their language. So, our work in that moment is we feel the discomfort, we find a way to bring our attention to the present. So, we can ask ourselves, what are my feet doing? What are my hands doing? What's my belly doing? And we're automatically drawn to the present. Then, we can look at the other person. Then, we can have a conversation that's different. 

The next is T, which is take a breath, which most of us have heard all the time when it comes to just take a breath before you say something. But this, take a breath, is a little different. You feel the sensation. And then, you're gonna do more of breathing pattern practices. So, it's just even inhaling for five, holding for five, and exhaling for five. And the idea is that you get very comfortable with feeling that discomfort, and then grabbing a practice, grabbing a tool to use to calm the body, so that then you can see clearly.

The next is eyes toward another. That's E in SOFTEN. And that is really seeing in the moment, can you come from a stance of appreciation? Can you look at that person and maybe start to think of all the reasons why you're grateful for that person or how they're helpful to you, where we can begin to look at the other person as someone we want to be helpful to, that we respect, and asking ourselves questions, how can I be kind to this person right now? Again, it takes us out of the back and forth into ourselves where we can get to then choose our next right action.

And then, the last one is N, which is need to say. And many times, we focus a lot on what we need to say to the other person or what we're saying to the other person. And what we want to do instead is figure out the words that we can use to say to ourselves in these moments after we feel the discomfort, to calm the body to then be able to speak. So, a word that would work really well is soften. Just even saying that word to ourselves three times. You can do it, like, with an inhale and an exhale, you can say soften on the exhale, but you can just try it now. And it changes. I mean, for me and most people I work with, the shoulders relax, the body opens, and then there's just, you know, that breath, that moment of calm. 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
You know, Cynthia, it feels like the first four letters - so SOFT in SOFTEN - really are about self-regulating yourself first. It kind of reminds me of buddy breathing and scuba diving. They teach you in scuba diving, if there's an emergency and you're underwater, you've got your regulator, your mouthpiece, and then every diver dives with a second one that hangs off the tank in case their buddy, their partner they're diving with has an emergency. And what they always tell you is, it's kind of like on the airplane, put the mask on yourself first. Take care of yourself first, so you're not panicking, so you can act calm, and then hand the device, the mask, to the next person.

So, this is a technique I imagine that gets easier the more that you do it. Based on your experience, and I know that you've done this with places, corporations, etc., what  are some of the nuanced differences that you see from implementing this in a work setting versus implementing this with a loved one? How would you kind of handle them slightly differently because I'm sure there are slight differences?

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah. So, I mean, I think the slight differences are really the scenarios because the work itself is really the same, because you really are noticing the unique sensation. And that, also, I guess, is one of the nuances too, because in a professional setting, the sensation in your body of discomfort is going to be very different than in a personal setting, the sensation is different. 

Sometimes, within a difficult interaction at home, for me, it can be more of like a nauseous feeling. In a work setting, it's more my mouth gets dry or I can feel more like tingling in my hands. And also, our usual default reactions are different in different settings. So, sometimes people will be more quiet in a work interaction and at home be more explosive.

So, the default reactions may be different, but what's actually happening within is the same. And so you're really focusing always on just that discomfort, that sensation. And then, you're grabbing a tool or a practice that helps you. And then, you're just sticking with that same practice. So, it really does become more of a ritual, more of a habit, just kind of like brushing your teeth or flossing. "Oh, this is the state I'm in. This is the piece that I need. This is going to help me calm down. Then, I'll be able to express myself."

Dr. Richard Shuster:
This makes perfect sense. And I want to ask the question, we'll expand on the question. So, whether you're a parent, a spouse or a coworker, most of us fit into one or if not all of those. So, this is obviously something that benefits others. I imagine that there's power in introducing this into a group setting rather than a diad of two. If this is a family unit, if this is done with the whole team at work, for example, what are some of the guideposts that you would recommend to teaching this to a whole family unit or to your team and some things to stay away from as well?

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah. So, I think one with the team aspect, I think something that was interesting for me to see over time is how many organizations were paying for their employees to take my training programs, and not a lot of managers or not a lot of leaders. And I think that when you start to bring something like this into an organization, it really needs to start at the top. It really needs to start more with the managers, and then it will ripple down. And they're the ones, then. that can model the behavior. They're the ones that can start to show different ways to continue to be open with the team, to be able to handle the difficult conversations that come to them, to really be able to keep that trust and openness. 

So, within a family setting, it's coming again from the parents down. And it's making sure that in those difficult situations, it doesn't have to be, though, both people. Like, it just really takes one person to change a conversation. So, whether it's in the family unit or it's in a company, if one person is interacting in more of a calm way, more of a relaxed way, they're talking slowly, they're really coming with no evaluation, the other person, their body language, their tone of voice, their everything is going to change as well. 

Really, in my opinion, I think the most important piece is that those who are in the leadership positions are the ones who are doing the work. And then, based off of that, then it all ripples out. 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
So, moms, dads and supervisors is what I'm hearing.

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
I love this. So, you've been doing this work for a long time. I'm curious in terms of outcome data that you yourself have collected in terms of success stories. So, share with us a little of those high points.

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah. So for me, that's the most incredible part of what I do is to be able to see the changes in other people's lives, to see people who have been really scared of doing town halls, like the town meetings, to be able to go in front of people, and speak very confidently and with more calm as opposed to the anxiety and the fear that would prevent them from doing it in the first place. 

I've seen a lot of workplace interactions where the team has completely changed based off of the manager's behavior, where, before, the manager didn't feel connected, didn't feel like the team could be trusted, and suddenly trust is formed and there's more creativity, there's more efficiency, there's not a lot of back and forth that there used to be, it's all pretty regulated. Or seeing people have to let teams go or having to fire people. 

And instead of it being a very difficult interaction that would have them feeling guilty or take them out for days, it becomes much easier to manage and on more of a human level, as opposed to taking the stance of professionalism that often requires this hardness or this armor. And once they start to let the armor down, their relationships within the company just begin to skyrocket, and productivity of their teams grow, and creativity and efficiency. I mean, it's beautiful. 

And then on the personal level, the relationships with children and families, families who haven't talked for many, many years, starting to implement these practices, so that they can have conversations and they can reconnect. So, there's so many benefits of doing this work. 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Outstanding. I love this. The book is called The Pause Principle: How to Keep Your Cool in Tough Situations. It's available everywhere. We're gonna have links to it in the show notes. Very exciting. Grateful that you're here to talk about it today with us, Cynthia. As you know, I wrap up every episode by asking my guests a single question, that is, what is your biggest helping, that one most important piece of information you'd like somebody to walk away with after hearing our conversation today? 

Cynthia Kane:
I would love people to know that you can change the way that you communicate. I think that most of the time, we don't think it's possible and it really is a learned practice. So, it is something that you can shift and change and start learning new practices to start interacting in a way that feels really, really good to you.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Amazing. Cynthia, we've said the name of the book, we've got it linked in the show notes, but tell us where people can learn more about you online.

Cynthia Kane:
Yeah. You can go to CynthiaKane.com or you can follow me on YouTube and Instagram, @cykane1. You can find me there.

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Perfect. And again, we got you covered if you're in the gym. Everything Cynthia Kane is going to be linked in the show notes at drrichardshuster.com. Well, Cynthia, thank you so much for joining us today to talk about your book. Grateful that you wrote it because the world needs it right now. 

Cynthia Kane:
Thank you. 

Dr. Richard Shuster:
Absolutely. And to each and every one of you who took time out of your day, if you're getting ready to practice your SOFTEN techniques on the world, go give us a follow on a five star review on your podcast app of choice because this is what helps other people find the show. But most importantly, go out there today and do something nice for somebody else, even if you don't know who they are, and post it in your social media feeds using the hashtag #MyDailyHelping because the happiest people are those that help others.